2017.

Hmmmm where to start.
I quit my job.
I quit my dream company that I have gone through a hell time and work really hard to get into (not knowing 3 years later I'll be quitting)
I quit everything.

Monday, 6-Feb, would be my first full month out of the corporate world.
Did I get what I wanted?
Maybe.

I can sleep whenever I want now.
I only answer to myself.
There is no unnecessary stress around me.
I meet new people more in a week than I did 3 years in the company.
I get to set my own goals.
And relying on me to be accountable for it.

#MisiTemanDal is still an ongoing battle though but I target to lose at least 10 before Raya.
Bolehkah saya berjaya?
InshaAllah, saya rasa boleh!

I did it once and I will do it again.


.....aaaaaaaand. I am getting married. Yep.
To someone I never thought existed.

.

I thought what I had been through last year was the worst, but actually nope.
NOW, now is the worst period ever.

Everything is supafrikkin hard and I don't know how long can I hold on.

--

I think I have found my person though, so that's a silver lining.

Ghost.

Tonight, I fell in love with my Creator, again and again.
Alhamdulillah for inspirational people.
Alhamdulillah for that special stranger that have been moving me ever since we crossed path. Everything that's dead inside is waking up one by one.

Even if we stopped talking ever since the lovely encounter -- I still appreciate that it happens.
Such thing is a rarity and I feel blessed to even been given a chance to experience.
World is not as bad as I thought it was.
:-)

--
I haven't seen kakyung in ages and we met up last Monday. I do not know whether it was me being hormonal or that I was really stressed out about life, I cried throughout the whole conversation and made my eyes all puffy it made me look more sepet than I already am.

But it was such a relief.
She told me to give myself 3 months to come up with a plan. On how to approach things in a different way.
Can't deny that I am too consumed with my work, work that I don't even enjoy.
I don't know what is anymore.

Back in consultancy firm, I was this odd, quiet analyst cum programmer taking pride in my own modules and being oblivious to whatever performance ranking there is. All that matters to me was my work and how good I was at delivering it. Do you know that you could be billed a wrong amount for your internet and won't be able to ask for a refund without my module? Yep, I did that.

I didn't talk to people that much, except for my small circle of colleagues, where we usually rant and bitch about stuff going wrong during our lunch in Victoria, or Bangsar South. Them, with close to zero Malay guys population allows for longer rant session on Fridays. I miss that. And I miss talking about new ideas and how to come up with another logic to solve another problem.

I was content. But the long  hours and my commitment at the time did not allow me to stay. So I moved onto the next big thing. Or so I thought. Where I am at is where I ALWAYS want to be. I was rejected a year before but I did not give up -- I guess it was a mixed of pride and ego that pushed me to keep at it, brushed up my skills (believe you me, more on people interactions skills -- I am not THAT weird but I am selective) and try again.

I got in. I fell in love with my work. For the first time since I graduated, post-odd jobs, I really really like what I was doing. I was meeting people looking at problems that interest me. Having a platform to implement my ideas. Having the flexibility to throw in what I think and test my theory out. It was a fun gig.

The management was A+ too, my boss was such a fussy lady but she meant well. I feel attached somehow.

But now... I do not know what is it that is holding me back. This place of dream is no longer a dream.

Thank Allah for awesome Grads circle to get me through my days.


I need to do something.

Now Playing: Transatlanticism.

I went to see Death Cab for Cutie yesterday, and my life is complete.

I cried to Transatlanticism. They played Marching Bands of Manhattan. Passenger Seat was mindblowingly magical. I danced my ass off for the whole two hours (+/-). Little Wanderer was just as I imagined it would be but better. They didn't talk much, but Ben said Thank you after every song it made me feel all warm and fuzzy and aaaaaaaaaah. EVERYONE WAS FUCKING ENERGETIC.

I honestly feel like I am 18 again.
Good music, man, good music.

And guys, I have the bragging rights to say it aloud now: I HAVE NOW SEEN THE NEW YEAR LIVE.
It has been my new year anthem for ages.


I want to remember the night as something magical. I relived my youth. Discovered again why live music is such a big deal to me, because it just is -- I am capable of feeling a rush of emotions all at once and I miss that.

If I were to write myself a letter to my 18-year old music nerd, it would be this:

Dear D,

1. The Academy Is? They will disband and you will be heartbroken, but then you will meet Bill, you will see him live and will have the most awkward 3 mins phone call with him, and he will wish you Happy Birthday on your 25th.

2. Butcher will give you one of his paintings as present, on top of one you will buy. He will got beaten up so bad and you will ask about his recovery and he will tell you he named his favorite cat Delilah, which unfortunately died but that will be the sweetest twitter exchange ever. EVER.

3. Patrick Stump will wish you a great day ahead.

4. You will experience Death Cab for Cutie live, at least once. I know it is just a random band on Myspace now, but you will experience all range of emotions when you listen to Transatlanticism, Passenger Seat, Death of An Interior Decorator (Especially on that one day you feel all hopes are lost and this song speaks to you in a whole new perspective), welp now that I babble on it, your whole life at this point in time, and maybe up until you get to 26, revolves around this album.

5. You will befriend Yuna, no fucking kidding.  You will also ask her to perform on your final year dinner, of which she will turned it down because of her final exams. And she will be so big one day, she'll work with people you would have never imagined.

6. Tegan and Sara? They will be so fucking good live. You will enjoy this so much.

7. As impossible as this may seem to you now, you will appreciate top 40. They are not too bad. :p You will discover Ed Sheeran though in a few years and you will see him live too. On a trip you have never even imagine you would take. (I still feel surreal)

8. You will see Incubus live. And fast forward to years later, you will randomly bumped into Mike and you will fangirl so hard you let out a giddy "HI MIKE!" and he will turn around and say "Hey!" with an unflattering photo of both of you but your utopian dream finally unfolded.

9. You think you might slow down on shows, but guess what sister! Things will keep getting better and better you will just have to accept it and enjoy every new music coming your way. Look out for The Impatient Sisters.

10. At some point in life, you will appreciate your playlist so much.


You're pretty cool, (despite being the oddball most of the time).

Fuck.

I think I like you a lot.
Stop invading my thoughts, with no actions and just a fragment of what just happened.


(Torn between indulging the whatcoudlvebeens and moving on)

Wants.

Familiar routine waiting for me when I come home / structured ways of handling things especially le emotions and moodswings / A sounding board when things go south, and also an appreciation when something goes smoothly / A free mind / A connected train of thought / Anxiety downtime / Runner's high / An organized mess / An organized train of thoughts / Ability to shut down the world by 1 AM, and ability to say Hi to Creator at wee hours of the night, for one on one session / A proper self-assurance / A new instrument / Learning a new language / Learning a new skill / For things to fall into place for once / A random text message / A good night sleep / A good day / or bad days that filled with things i can learn to accept and digest why they are so / A conversation - 2 way, no judgements / A person that I can invest all my time on and vice versa / A favorite non-fictitious person / A new landscape for photography / A new set of faces, for portrait photography / Being in a new city / Exploring my ideas - one by one, pros and cons, and implement it in a way / Not relying solely on dollar sign on every single thing / For bros to grow up, leave the nest and explore their own world / For me to work on things I enjoy / A fixed passion / More friends like I, and K. / Hugs / Cuddles / Pats / Peptalks / His / Goodnights / Goodmornings / I care about yous / Love.

Challenging Monday.

Beejebus. Why do feelings exist?

Someone just shot me with killer questions and I keep on feeding the curiosity.
I do not wish to be found, but deep down, I think I want to be saved. I'm (always) exhausted being everyone's superhero that is expected to be on her toes 24/7 with the cape.

Everything is a tad too overwhelming now.

--

"It was mine, that love.
I owned it.
//
You are what you love, not who loves you."

xx,
D.