Zero.

Double shot espresso, taknak sugar syrup satu!

Ah I would call that a heaven on earth.

I have not been on my toes for god knows how long and to be honest, I feel like I don't know myself that much anymore. Too consumed with work, work that I don't even enjoy.

I have a lot of What Ifs and Maybes nowadays they're keeping me entertain along with my stress. My main lady told me I am getting OK, and that I got this managed under my belt, although at times I agree with her wholeheartedly, but I beg to differ.

Life is life, you know?

Which brings me to my next point: I started Tinder, purely for social experiment. also, aside for the fact that I have been single by choice for almost half a decade, now turning that choice into the opposite because priorities, man.

Like I have been hearing cases and stories it is not as scary as it sounds, BUT, here's my take so far being such a green prospect (I have only been on it for a short than a week):

1) It is, superficial af.
I mean, I should have known better on the app that only uses your face as the representation of everything you are - cool or not/ your bio is just supplementary.

2) You swipe right, you matched, and then what?
Then, comes the awkward conversation starters and which most of the time I feel like clicking that unmatch option again and again.

So far I have met decent matches, no creepers yet. Thank God.

One person appears too cool, that *I* feel intimidated to continue with the small banter, (unfortunately (or fortunately? Depends on how you look at it?) he's my type, my type).

The other person is so easy to talk to, I feel like we should've been bros. No kid.

Well and there are also a total silence, when matched.

3) It's a training ground.
It gave me that vibe. I mean it is famously known for hookups platform and that should not be a surprise to me, but oh god I get sleazy vibes all around, I feel like this is not the place for you to be looking for something more than a 24 hours connection.


I guess th

*Whatsapp dings* S is leaving town for a year today, I am gonna miss his weird antics. I have been saying goodbye to people for the past 2 months and I don't want to keep that as a routine, 2016 has such a bumpy beginning, man.

Anyway, as I was saying --- I guess those success stories chance a lot on luck, and also how open you are to new things and how tolerable you are with new things too.

I prefer the old fashioned way -- no shortcuts. You woo me, I got woo-ed (or either way, I've been in both situation), spend some time together and then decide on being a thing.

Sekian.

HAVE I TOLD YOU BANKS IS SUCH A GODDESS?!

(Sticks - Banks; you're welcome)

Blurry Face

Let me be real honest, 2015 was the year that I started to feel like I should disappear for good.
Either a) I leave this body and all its existence b) I leave home, start anew where no one knows my name, my quirks, my lows, my pain, my bad habits.

I hold dear to 2014 because that was the year that every big dreams came true. I finally felt belong with/to my body. I finally felt I am not a waste of space and that my existence matter. However, not gonna lie for one bit I push people away. I guess I started to realize how I hoard people. I keep toxic people around me because I *think* I need them, while in reality, I was just lonely and I was such a fucking people pleaser that even people that are not worth my time deserve the chance to validate me.

How wrong was that?

I dived in 2015 with so much expectations and I was being let down. Who am I kidding? A year doesn't define  you, a year is not a fancy smchancy "new chapter" people make it to be. We romanticize new year so much so it has become unrealistic idea to live with.

What define you? Your actions. No matter what year you are at. Everyday is a new chance.

Now it is 2016. I am one year away from hitting 3 series. Spent my new year's eve at home, spring cleaning a few stuff over the weekend and then start my 12hours job again, seems to be repetitive but you know what, this career life does not define me either. It's what I do that matters - no matter at work or after work, all of that is me.

Planning my next adventure, funnily enough I am scared this time around, however excited still. Pray for me?

xx,
D.

People I Can Always Call.

Taking my first step into recovery (or at least would help to lessen whatever things that I have been fighting for for the last 6 months) -- I'm scared.

Did today's 1 Page AT A TIME page and it was this: A list of people that I can always call.
The categories are:
1. Best friend // 2. A Parent // 3. Cool Sibling // 4. Less Cool Sibling // 5. Favorite Aunt // 6. Owes Me A Favor // 7. Has A Car // 8. Always Ready to Party // 9. Knows Everything // 10. Knows Just Enough // 10. Grandparent // 11. 1 More.

I am ashamed to say that, out of 11,  I only have a few names came to mind.
How my life has deducted so many social interactions that I only have these few people which to be honest, I don't think I'm on their list.

Or, to be really honest, no one is on my speed dial anymore.
I feel rather sad knowing that, I sort of only have me if anything. (And Allah, I know, I know.)

Fuck, this is making me feel worse.

Finally saying Hi in October

Whoa life has been out of control lately.
I've been getting episodes within 48 hours and dat shit cray.
I just gotta buck up and get through this, because I truly believes that Allah puts you in a position which only you can bear.

inshaAllah, inshaAllah.

A fleeting (but cherished nonetheless) memory.

Exactly a month ago today I was on a plane flying to London. Only God knows how much I miss being in that place and how I would trade anything to be there again.

 Is this a sign that I should drop everything and resume my study as what was planned back in 2009?

Or, a catapult for something better?

Or, maybe, juuust maybe....I romanticise everything, even I try not to.

Also, on the side note: I saw couple of pics of Athina and Ed and they looked happy and I am actually sad that they're no longer together. :(

--

#findingSerendipity received its first response on 26th July, from a taxi driver (the cab that I took on the way back home from Ed's show), he contacted my friend (whom gave her facebook contact -- I left her love letter in the cab, I'm more modern I guess, I only left my instagram on a picture) and proceeded saying 

"Hi __, thank you for leaving the love letter and your photo in my taxi last night. I'm guessing you were one of the young ladies from Malaysia I dropped home to Waterville Row... Well, you would not have known but I lost my wife to cancer 12 years ago and I have been on my own since then and your letter brought a tear to my eye but also a smile to my heart and I would like to say thank you very much..."

Things like this makes me happy. I am a happy kid. xo

Love,

D.

p.s. wouldn't it be nice if blogspot comes up with emojis? Jussayin'

Home pt. deux.

If there is one thing I wish I can keep it forever in a loop albeit it being a bittersweet moment, let it be this -- I cried at the lyric of a song that says something along the line "I want to come back home" on the way back from Dublin to KL.

Home is where the heart is, no?
My heart must've been everywhere and nowhere, because then if the quote rings true I am homeless af.

I thought I'm gonna let this go and let everything go and let everything be.
Like, not hoping on anything at all anymore.
(but i am a freakin' hopeless romantic as long as i can even remember)

At times I feel I am home.
At times I feel like I am lost.

"All my friends have come to find another place to let their hearts collide"

Home.

Dear internet,

I had the chance to spent 14 days away from home mostly with myself and the unfamiliar and it was brilliant. There were a few things I wish I am more of, but then again, that what makes me - Me.

Started my journey with 6 days in London, exploring the city over 2 days and the rest day trips outside London to see Harry Potter, Oxford and Brighton. I wish I have all the pictures with me but sadly my phone got stolen on my last day in Italy en route to Dublin, however Alhamdulillah all is well, it was just my phone.

London was all kind of lovely, I can almost picture myself living there. People are super polite, everywhere you go is picturesque I cannot let go of my camera app (my trusty xz1 had a memory problem hence I was very reliant on my six. :() - I heard a lot of complaints on the weather but I reckon I can make do with it! But almost everything was super expensive too.

My Raya was fun! Had a short stint helping out at the dapur with the head chef (which to my surprise is a guy) before I hit the sack because day at Brighton really took its toll on my body. You know all the excitement people feel on Raya eve which I havent feel in a while? Yeah, I frikkin got that - away from my family, who would've thought!

On Raya evening, me and a friend made our way to Roma! and it was freakin dry and super warm I almost wish I am back in Malaysia. Had a really bad head ache on the next morning en route to Colesseo - not fun not fun. The Colesseo on the other hand was magnificent. It is amazing to think how people way back when came up with such structure and also how your status play a huge role in placing you in society it almost made me sick thinking of it. Like, how thankful I am now we are living in a world that is putting less and less emphasis on that - even though not entirely diminished.

We then made our way to Vatican City which was jawdropping to say the least. Ah lahvly! Ended the day with a visit to Piazza Navona with gelato in hand and made a pit stop at Pantheon it was majestic omfg - also visited Trevi fountain but it was under renovation - so not funny Roma!

Moving forward, we continued our journey to Cinque Terre the land of super polite and friendly Italians (!!) I kid you not! We hitchhiked to Riomaggiore from La Spezia because apparently the host from Ostello (Tramonti - Hostel) forgot to inform that there was no bus service on the day we arrived and we got free rides from an adorable and friendly Pakcik Taxi and a random stranger who lives in Manarola (another kampung after Riomaggiore) who cannot speak nor understand English but was ever so kind to give us a ride anyway.

The remaining three days, we spent it lazing around the beaches. Monterreso had our heart and burnt our skin the most :P, Vernazza was quaint little kampung with narrow alleys, Manarola gave tiny fun with youngsters all around and my ever so fav Riomagiorre feels a snug alright - a feeling that I always loved. The seafood snacks, crushed iced coffee and pizzas are da bomb dot com. For future reference: Cantin d' Miky in Monterresso serves the best pasta out of all 5 villages hands down!

Corniglia was the only village that we didnt set foot on, it was so hot and there were one too many steps to hike up no thank you.

After full three days in CT, we then made our way to one last stop before ending my trip in Italy which was to visit Lucca and Pisa in one day. Lucca came in such an adorable surprise where you can see the locals everywhere (unlike Rome, mostly dominated by Chinese - I know! I was quite surprised too!) and they were super stylish and friendly! Roamed around the famous Lucca wall with bicycle and visited the churches, museums and trying out the food joints I found on the internet - they didnt disappoint me one bit!

Bid adieu to Lucca in the afternoon for Pisa where my phone got stolen. Got pick pocketed within our proximity. I still feel sad thought but benda dah nak jadi, hence i only have like 10% of my Europe trip pics. :(. So instead visiting the Pisa tower and high fiving everyone trying to take picture holding up the leaning tower - we head down to the airport and found ourselves a BnB to crash before our flight to Dublin 6AM the next day.

Dublin: People asked you how youve been and they demand honest answer. Sigh how lah can I not love Dublin?? Sole purpose visiting Dublin was to see Ed Sheeran. We slept most of the time due to the jetlagged (me mostly because i suck) and tiredness going in and out of the airport for the past few days. So started the day late, most prolly at 2pm, had our lunch, strolling around the malls (which was super cheap! Because as the Italians put it, SALDI! *ahem Sale* everywhere sigh I almost died - I am not one who shops when travel but This, i made an exception (also goes to the same with London <3)

We sorta got lost on our way to Croke Park for the concert and fate had it that we bumped into a Dubliner who lived in Malaysia for quite sometime and he just went flippin excited that "It is not that often you'd meet Malaysian princesses like this" (see what I mean??? Maybe me and Ed are meant for each other because Ireland, is so warm heheheh) and proceeded to talk in little Bahasa that he can remember, he told us where to stop and we continue talking and exchanging numbers.

Then, come the closing of the trip EDDDDDD SHEEEERAAAAAN!!! Man frikkin mental, awh we witnessed a proposal in front of us during the Tenerife Sea "so in love" riffs that Ed plays on and on and on, I was just so touched, can my prince come already?

The whole set was so surreal, I cried at A-team because it finally has sinked in that I was there soaking in his set, I was finally exploring unknown cities on my own and that I was way away from home and was having the best time of my life.

And did I tell you Ed brought Kodaline and Glen Hansard for "All I want"????? SIGH MY HEART.

The pakcik taxi back was so proud of Ed Sheeran too, Dubliners, you A+ people you! <333

lovelovelove,
D.

<3