.

I thought what I had been through last year was the worst, but actually nope.
NOW, now is the worst period ever.

Everything is supafrikkin hard and I don't know how long can I hold on.

--

I think I have found my person though, so that's a silver lining.

Ghost.

Tonight, I fell in love with my Creator, again and again.
Alhamdulillah for inspirational people.
Alhamdulillah for that special stranger that have been moving me ever since we crossed path. Everything that's dead inside is waking up one by one.

Even if we stopped talking ever since the lovely encounter -- I still appreciate that it happens.
Such thing is a rarity and I feel blessed to even been given a chance to experience.
World is not as bad as I thought it was.
:-)

--
I haven't seen kakyung in ages and we met up last Monday. I do not know whether it was me being hormonal or that I was really stressed out about life, I cried throughout the whole conversation and made my eyes all puffy it made me look more sepet than I already am.

But it was such a relief.
She told me to give myself 3 months to come up with a plan. On how to approach things in a different way.
Can't deny that I am too consumed with my work, work that I don't even enjoy.
I don't know what is anymore.

Back in consultancy firm, I was this odd, quiet analyst cum programmer taking pride in my own modules and being oblivious to whatever performance ranking there is. All that matters to me was my work and how good I was at delivering it. Do you know that you could be billed a wrong amount for your internet and won't be able to ask for a refund without my module? Yep, I did that.

I didn't talk to people that much, except for my small circle of colleagues, where we usually rant and bitch about stuff going wrong during our lunch in Victoria, or Bangsar South. Them, with close to zero Malay guys population allows for longer rant session on Fridays. I miss that. And I miss talking about new ideas and how to come up with another logic to solve another problem.

I was content. But the long  hours and my commitment at the time did not allow me to stay. So I moved onto the next big thing. Or so I thought. Where I am at is where I ALWAYS want to be. I was rejected a year before but I did not give up -- I guess it was a mixed of pride and ego that pushed me to keep at it, brushed up my skills (believe you me, more on people interactions skills -- I am not THAT weird but I am selective) and try again.

I got in. I fell in love with my work. For the first time since I graduated, post-odd jobs, I really really like what I was doing. I was meeting people looking at problems that interest me. Having a platform to implement my ideas. Having the flexibility to throw in what I think and test my theory out. It was a fun gig.

The management was A+ too, my boss was such a fussy lady but she meant well. I feel attached somehow.

But now... I do not know what is it that is holding me back. This place of dream is no longer a dream.

Thank Allah for awesome Grads circle to get me through my days.


I need to do something.

Now Playing: Transatlanticism.

I went to see Death Cab for Cutie yesterday, and my life is complete.

I cried to Transatlanticism. They played Marching Bands of Manhattan. Passenger Seat was mindblowingly magical. I danced my ass off for the whole two hours (+/-). Little Wanderer was just as I imagined it would be but better. They didn't talk much, but Ben said Thank you after every song it made me feel all warm and fuzzy and aaaaaaaaaah. EVERYONE WAS FUCKING ENERGETIC.

I honestly feel like I am 18 again.
Good music, man, good music.

And guys, I have the bragging rights to say it aloud now: I HAVE NOW SEEN THE NEW YEAR LIVE.
It has been my new year anthem for ages.


I want to remember the night as something magical. I relived my youth. Discovered again why live music is such a big deal to me, because it just is -- I am capable of feeling a rush of emotions all at once and I miss that.

If I were to write myself a letter to my 18-year old music nerd, it would be this:

Dear D,

1. The Academy Is? They will disband and you will be heartbroken, but then you will meet Bill, you will see him live and will have the most awkward 3 mins phone call with him, and he will wish you Happy Birthday on your 25th.

2. Butcher will give you one of his paintings as present, on top of one you will buy. He will got beaten up so bad and you will ask about his recovery and he will tell you he named his favorite cat Delilah, which unfortunately died but that will be the sweetest twitter exchange ever. EVER.

3. Patrick Stump will wish you a great day ahead.

4. You will experience Death Cab for Cutie live, at least once. I know it is just a random band on Myspace now, but you will experience all range of emotions when you listen to Transatlanticism, Passenger Seat, Death of An Interior Decorator (Especially on that one day you feel all hopes are lost and this song speaks to you in a whole new perspective), welp now that I babble on it, your whole life at this point in time, and maybe up until you get to 26, revolves around this album.

5. You will befriend Yuna, no fucking kidding.  You will also ask her to perform on your final year dinner, of which she will turned it down because of her final exams. And she will be so big one day, she'll work with people you would have never imagined.

6. Tegan and Sara? They will be so fucking good live. You will enjoy this so much.

7. As impossible as this may seem to you now, you will appreciate top 40. They are not too bad. :p You will discover Ed Sheeran though in a few years and you will see him live too. On a trip you have never even imagine you would take. (I still feel surreal)

8. You will see Incubus live. And fast forward to years later, you will randomly bumped into Mike and you will fangirl so hard you let out a giddy "HI MIKE!" and he will turn around and say "Hey!" with an unflattering photo of both of you but your utopian dream finally unfolded.

9. You think you might slow down on shows, but guess what sister! Things will keep getting better and better you will just have to accept it and enjoy every new music coming your way. Look out for The Impatient Sisters.

10. At some point in life, you will appreciate your playlist so much.


You're pretty cool, (despite being the oddball most of the time).

Fuck.

I think I like you a lot.
Stop invading my thoughts, with no actions and just a fragment of what just happened.


(Torn between indulging the whatcoudlvebeens and moving on)

Wants.

Familiar routine waiting for me when I come home / structured ways of handling things especially le emotions and moodswings / A sounding board when things go south, and also an appreciation when something goes smoothly / A free mind / A connected train of thought / Anxiety downtime / Runner's high / An organized mess / An organized train of thoughts / Ability to shut down the world by 1 AM, and ability to say Hi to Creator at wee hours of the night, for one on one session / A proper self-assurance / A new instrument / Learning a new language / Learning a new skill / For things to fall into place for once / A random text message / A good night sleep / A good day / or bad days that filled with things i can learn to accept and digest why they are so / A conversation - 2 way, no judgements / A person that I can invest all my time on and vice versa / A favorite non-fictitious person / A new landscape for photography / A new set of faces, for portrait photography / Being in a new city / Exploring my ideas - one by one, pros and cons, and implement it in a way / Not relying solely on dollar sign on every single thing / For bros to grow up, leave the nest and explore their own world / For me to work on things I enjoy / A fixed passion / More friends like I, and K. / Hugs / Cuddles / Pats / Peptalks / His / Goodnights / Goodmornings / I care about yous / Love.

Challenging Monday.

Beejebus. Why do feelings exist?

Someone just shot me with killer questions and I keep on feeding the curiosity.
I do not wish to be found, but deep down, I think I want to be saved. I'm (always) exhausted being everyone's superhero that is expected to be on her toes 24/7 with the cape.

Everything is a tad too overwhelming now.

--

"It was mine, that love.
I owned it.
//
You are what you love, not who loves you."

xx,
D.

Adik aku ni boleh tahan power gak buat reviews. Terkesima jap.
Oh, he said that he accidentally saw this blog and it was brought up in our conversation a few days back.

Aku lupa aku buat blog ni masa tengah serabut sebab nak lari dari realiti.
Typical Dalila.

Heh.

Coming Home

So, what to write?

I sorta have meeting at 10 pm today, yep on a public holiday.
Not for *work*, but sorta for my future, I need to be able to bend and be flexible with things if I want my shit to stay intact and not burst.

But thing is I don't know if the other party have accepted the invitation or not.

Weekend has been eventful. I wanted a weekend in to enjoy every bit of 4 days off work, but alas - priorities. Seeing everyone that I am not close with but have to function properly because blood was a challenge, but I think I did pretty good.

Didn't see Abah though and to be honest, I am not surprised. At all.

--

My thoughts have been jumping from point A to point B and at this rate I think I'm running out of alphabets as a reference point to all of the weird ideas my brain has been exploring. I don't know if it is because of what I am doing now, and that I am too comfortable doing it -- I feel like I am not made for something else. Like, you know, I think to myself "Hm, I might enjoy doing *that* and I might have all the experience needed for it" one day and the next day would be "No, who am I kidding, me?" shit that has been going on lately and it is exhausting. Truth to be told, I need a way out, pronto!

Am I thinking too much?
I am definitely thinking too much, right?
-.-"

--

I found this new stranger is too good to be true. Good looks, insightful conversations and creative flair to boot.

Of which why I have been hiding under my social cloak, and hope one day both my admiration towards him and the person itself would dissipates into thin air. Because I suck at turning admiration into something meaty and meaningful for myself, because "who am I kidding, me?".

One day, if I finally meet my man, I need to congratulate him and celebrate the fact that I am no longer awkward around the person I fancy. Because, I am such an awkward penguin.

--

63 days to my next adventure!

Is Your Love Big Enough?

I kept finding myself looking up pages after pages on MBTi traits lately. I used to believe that although I am an ISTJ on paper, behavioral wise I am a true INTJ.

I am intrigued by this to say the least.

--
In the past, I was easily inspired by random strangers. I have this HUGE unexplainable admiration towards them - of which some resulted in a friendship. Not too shabby.
*
2004
Met S (we're friends now, sorta) through my random blog hopping and she write all the right words.
Great taste in music, and movies.
I will always refer her to a sunshine because she just is - always with huge smile, positive posts and made me all happy to live life.

(I was having severe depression at the time)

I remembered I started to listed to The Spill Canvas because of her, too.

She micro-blogs now though and still, writes beautifully.

 *
2008
I met Boston girl (online of course) and she has this interesting way of telling mundane happenings in her blog that whenever there is a new entry, I wish she would post another one, and another one so that I can keep on reading her every word.

She took great candid, vintage-y pictures too. She made me plan a trip to Boston, which I don't know when exactly I will buy that plane ticket, but it is in the pipeline, trust me.

But sometimes in 2011, she went on a hiatus and I moved on with life. Until I found her blog again in 2014. (YOU DON'T KNOW HOW HAPPY THAT DAY WAS FOR ME)

However, she stopped writing online, and continue to pursue writing a book. 
Sad, but happy for her.

*
2015
And then I met A. He was pretty ordinary, friendly and humble. Nothing to shout about.
At the same time, I was having a major girl crush on X - and some random encounters made me stumble upon A's instagram feed. Boy I was so fucking wrong, he was the most interesting person that I could ever be acquainted with.

I don't know whether it is due to the sudden discovery and admiration of things he rather not boast about, or that he is perfectly my type (Tall, smart, humble, resourceful) - I asked him out to hang with me and the girls (which the girls were briefed that they would be my wingwomen for the night).

He was cool about it. But then later I found out that he was engaged. (my heart :'( )

However, having to know A for that short period of time, changed me. Like, I want to do better in life. I want to know more things. I want to be resourceful.

And then I plan my self discovery trip because my thoughts were super overwhelming, I needed a foreign land to think of things.

*
2016
You write effortlessly and with such content.

And, this, in return is making me feel and keeping going back to the days that I find joy in such writings.
I need to start again, though you don't know me, but thank you. You moved me.

:)

xx,
D

Zero.

Double shot espresso, taknak sugar syrup satu!

Ah I would call that a heaven on earth.

I have not been on my toes for god knows how long and to be honest, I feel like I don't know myself that much anymore. Too consumed with work, work that I don't even enjoy.

I have a lot of What Ifs and Maybes nowadays they're keeping me entertain along with my stress. My main lady told me I am getting OK, and that I got this managed under my belt, although at times I agree with her wholeheartedly, but I beg to differ.

Life is life, you know?

Which brings me to my next point: I started Tinder, purely for social experiment. also, aside for the fact that I have been single by choice for almost half a decade, now turning that choice into the opposite because priorities, man.

Like I have been hearing cases and stories it is not as scary as it sounds, BUT, here's my take so far being such a green prospect (I have only been on it for a short than a week):

1) It is, superficial af.
I mean, I should have known better on the app that only uses your face as the representation of everything you are - cool or not/ your bio is just supplementary.

2) You swipe right, you matched, and then what?
Then, comes the awkward conversation starters and which most of the time I feel like clicking that unmatch option again and again.

So far I have met decent matches, no creepers yet. Thank God.

One person appears too cool, that *I* feel intimidated to continue with the small banter, (unfortunately (or fortunately? Depends on how you look at it?) he's my type, my type).

The other person is so easy to talk to, I feel like we should've been bros. No kid.

Well and there are also a total silence, when matched.

3) It's a training ground.
It gave me that vibe. I mean it is famously known for hookups platform and that should not be a surprise to me, but oh god I get sleazy vibes all around, I feel like this is not the place for you to be looking for something more than a 24 hours connection.


I guess th

*Whatsapp dings* S is leaving town for a year today, I am gonna miss his weird antics. I have been saying goodbye to people for the past 2 months and I don't want to keep that as a routine, 2016 has such a bumpy beginning, man.

Anyway, as I was saying --- I guess those success stories chance a lot on luck, and also how open you are to new things and how tolerable you are with new things too.

I prefer the old fashioned way -- no shortcuts. You woo me, I got woo-ed (or either way, I've been in both situation), spend some time together and then decide on being a thing.

Sekian.

HAVE I TOLD YOU BANKS IS SUCH A GODDESS?!

(Sticks - Banks; you're welcome)

Blurry Face

Let me be real honest, 2015 was the year that I started to feel like I should disappear for good.
Either a) I leave this body and all its existence b) I leave home, start anew where no one knows my name, my quirks, my lows, my pain, my bad habits.

I hold dear to 2014 because that was the year that every big dreams came true. I finally felt belong with/to my body. I finally felt I am not a waste of space and that my existence matter. However, not gonna lie for one bit I push people away. I guess I started to realize how I hoard people. I keep toxic people around me because I *think* I need them, while in reality, I was just lonely and I was such a fucking people pleaser that even people that are not worth my time deserve the chance to validate me.

How wrong was that?

I dived in 2015 with so much expectations and I was being let down. Who am I kidding? A year doesn't define  you, a year is not a fancy smchancy "new chapter" people make it to be. We romanticize new year so much so it has become unrealistic idea to live with.

What define you? Your actions. No matter what year you are at. Everyday is a new chance.

Now it is 2016. I am one year away from hitting 3 series. Spent my new year's eve at home, spring cleaning a few stuff over the weekend and then start my 12hours job again, seems to be repetitive but you know what, this career life does not define me either. It's what I do that matters - no matter at work or after work, all of that is me.

Planning my next adventure, funnily enough I am scared this time around, however excited still. Pray for me?

xx,
D.